Forgiveness

Posted by Avram Freedberg

It’s just about Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. Every year I struggle with the most appropriate way to ask people to forgive me, if I did anything to offend them in the prior year.

One year, I sent a mass e-mail and, at least, one person found that offensive. So, I’ve tried to individualize my request for forgiveness. However, once you have a “pitch” perfected, it too feels somewhat impersonal, though looking someone in the eye is always better than not. Of course, that is nigh unto impossible with the large universe of people I’ve likely offended.

So, I’ve decided on a two-pronged approach. I’ll try to individualize where practical but I’ll also share my concerns in a more general way. I hope I do not further offend anyone by doing that.

I’ve learned the hard way that I have often done something that I think is a joke or just not very important but results in someone – usually someone I care for a great deal – feeling traumatized by my action. Childhood friends remind of these instances. The result of my action has stayed with them for decades. The same was true with my closest family members. Didn’t they know how much I cared for them? Didn’t they know it was just my own hurt or a warped sense of humor or momentary insensitivity?

For some, my “momentary” insensitivity lasted a lifetime. It took hearing stories from those I loved and years of therapy to demonstrate that the loving, sensitive human being I hoped to be was not. Yes, he was in there, but he was often not visible to others, especially to those I expected to see the “real” me.

When I approached people to ask forgiveness during this season, they often looked at me with wonderment. They’d say, “You didn’t do anything.” Sometimes they started trying to figure out what I had done to warrant this request for forgiveness. Nonetheless, I’m sure I have done things to offend. And, if I don’t reach out to all I know, I might leave someone else feeling a trauma that I inflicted WITHOUT EVEN KNOWING ABOUT IT!

Please. If I’ve inflicted trauma or offended you in any way, I beg you to let me know. Yes, I want to apologize. But more importantly, I want to learn, so I don’t do it to you again and, hopefully, so I don’t do it to anyone. I really want to be a loving, sensitive human being. Just view this missive as another attempt to reach my goal.

Surely I know of many instances where I got annoyed at someone or lashed out with a witty quip (or at least half that). I also know that those instances are often not remembered by me but may be often remembered by others. I AM SORRY if I’ve left you feeling badly. You need to remind me because I don’t want to do it again.

I wish you and yours a most happy, healthy and prosperous year. May it be a year filled with good things for us all.

Sincerely,
A.
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